Food For Thought After Conference Weekend

I was really excited for General Conference. I love conference! It's so enlightening and I love hearing our prophets and apostles speak to us. The world is going topsy turvy lately and it's cool to see what they have to say during this time. Unfortunately, I only got to sit through one session fully. The first session I was packing mostly because my roommates and I were going to leave to go watch the second session at the Conference Center! SO COOL! So I got to sit through that one. But sadly, this morning, I felt really sick to my stomach so I rested all day at my roommate's Aunt and Uncle's house. I missed Elder Holland and Elder Oaks. So sad! My roommates went to the last afternoon session which is really cool. Anyway, I was really excited to hear what I have to do and get some food for thought for the next six months (which I will read/watch later of course, which isn't the problem). Usually when I watch conference, I get really good insights and whisperings from the Holy Ghost about what I need to hear and learn. This time, I didn't get that opportunity. Ironically, I did learn a lot of different things. The Lord is funny that way. He still filled my expectations but in a totally different way.

I learned that I really need to accept my mistakes. This whole year, I've been kind of partial to one of my roommates and I've been feeling horrible about it all year. She's an amazing girl, but I would let jealousy and judgments from my past get in the way. She is a great friend and she helped me a lot, especially through my break up. She's fun and lively and outgoing. I realized that I shouldn't let my past get in the way of people. I should make good judgments about friends, I'm not saying I shouldn't, but with my roommate, I shouldn't have been so blocked off with her. That's not usually me.

I also realized that I need to be self-reliant. I went through so much personal growth and falls this year at BYU that I need to start building myself up and letting everyone know that I can take care of myself. I'm sure I've shown that is objective ways like, buy food, go to the bank, school work, etc. But I've learned so much through repentance processes and the break up that I need to start applying. I need to find my inner light and confidence. I've been putting it out for so long that I'm still looking for a match. But I need to follow my own advice (and much advice from others) that I need to be apathetic to some people and just move on, be happy with life, and don't let people get me down. I guess it's better late than never to find that inner light. I need the Lord to guide to places and feelings where I don't need to let myself get hurt my other people anymore. I need to stop finding so many people that can depend on me and find someone that I can depend on also.

So there you go. I learned so much this weekend even though I wasn't able to watch much of conference yet. Learning self-reliance, dependence on the Lord, and accept my mistakes. Yet somehow, I am ripping myself to shreds about what the summer is going to be like. I was very deovted in my last relationship and I'm afraid that if I let myself fall into that again with this person that I will fall back into that love and get hurt all over again. I do love him, he's one of my best friends, yet it's so hard to see how it's going to be, especially since I won't be home for two weeks. I want to talk things out with him but he can be as stubborn as me about things. I'm a preacher of "don't make it awkward if you don't want it to be" and being strong and all the great stuff. But it's different this time. I was completely head over heels in love with him and I thought about the future and all that. I didn't know that would come back to bite me. Yes, there can still be a future, it's just hard when I'm not in the present. I've been hurt so many times just by him alone that I don't know how to react now. My trial and error system of finding the best solution of fixing our problems is failing. It's going to be hard to see him with other girls when I know that I'm not going to be the most popular girl around, you know? I just want to find one relationship where, even if it does end, I want it to end in a way that it is loyal and respectful to how our relationship was (quoting Sex in the City...I know, it was right before a show I wanted to watch after). I don't want to be the one wondering, worrying, crying over someone that isn't going to want me in the end. It's time to follow Rori Raye and to take care of myself, find my confidence, and let that be the way a man will find you and want to make you happy instead of the other way around. I've been doing too much of making him incredibly happy that I'm missing out. I'm not saying he never made me happy, but there is a balance that should have been there. Anyway, to finish this semi-rant, I will just say that of course I'm not going to get this all in one take, but I really hope the summer will turn out better than my realistic view says to me.